Craving Steak

  food steak       OR      HAMBURGERS  ???

My mom used to remind me, “Why settle for hamburger when you can have steak?”  She was commenting on waiting for God’s best match to come along rather than settling for just any old man who halfway sweeps me off my feet.  As my age approaches closer to the other end of my twenties, I have begun to wonder where exactly you find these magical steaks.  A couple of years ago, I put on my dating shoes and have decided to journal my most recent attempts at broadening my horizons.  While there have been no love connections, had it not been for the endless amounts of horrible experiences, I would not have material with which to provide you such great entertainment; and thanks to Starbucks, I not only have a growing addiction to Chai Tea, but due to a new shop popping up on every corner, the entire franchise has provided me with a safe place to meet these men without having to go to the same one more than once.  Can you imagine?  The woman behind the counter turns to her co-worker and comments, “Here’s that poor girl again…I wonder how long this one is gonna last?”  Sometimes I imagine my dating life as one of those bad scenes in a romantic comedy where the woman accepts offer after offer, wishing only after five minutes that the night would end and she could return to her refuge of Ben & Jerry’s and fluffy slippers. 

After each date, I contact my closest girls and relive the past sixty minutes spent in utter agony.  We then provide each man with a label and lock it up in the vault for future material in our monthly girl night comedy routines.  It is with great honor that I now allow you in to that small piece of my life…In no particular order…

There was the “99 cent taco guy”: Date location: El Torito; Occupation: Employed by Pepsi; No admitted Criminal Record.  I think his name was Max.  So, Max and I met around 8:00 p.m. and at exactly 8:47 p.m. I was safely locked inside my car with the radio turned up and racing toward home.  Max had little to say while we sat at the bar in El Torito pretending to watch ESPN but unable to have any real type of communication due to the deafening noise around us…undoubtedly it was the excitement over the cheap tacos, 99 cents to be exact that caused the uproar in the room.  Mr. Max had the decency to offer me a taco (cost: 99 cents) and since I turned my head to ignore its arrival, he had no choice but to pay for the check.  At approximately 8:51 p.m. while on my way home, 99 cent taco guy decides to call me and ask to accompany me back to my place.  No thanks, taco guy…perhaps next time you could at least secure a table in the formal dining room, although I can think of nothing worse than spending the 47 minutes sitting face to face with you while thinking of something clever to talk about.

 Then there was “salad guy”:  Location: Strings Italian, Occupation: Worked at Sac Airport, No reported criminal history.  Since I blocked his name out of my memory, I’ll just call him Tom.  Tom and I meet at the restaurant on Valentine’s day 2006.  Tom looks nothing like his picture and is in fact dressed in extremely tight pants in all black with eyeliner darker than mine.  Tom says he loves this place and eats here all the time.  Tom; however, appears confused when the salad bowl arrives.  Amidst conversation about his failed dating life and a recollection that not one of his thirty one dates in the past two months have resulted in a second date, Tom removes the salad tongs from the obviously communal bowl of salad and proceeds to pick out the unwanted items in the bowl.  Suddenly, Tom stops and says, “I’m sorry, I hate it when people eat before I’ve got my food!”  Tom puts the salad aside and waits for my own gigantic bowl to be delivered to our table.  Not once, even at the end of the meal did Tom ever realize that he deprived me of my salad nor did he ask the waitress why I never received mine.  Was it that or his love of satanic music that put me over the edge?  Poor Tom…he seemed in shock when I told him that “no, there won’t be a second date!”

Then there was the man who had been divorced twice with four children from who knows how many baby mommas…Or the two different men who finally admitted that they weren’t  exactly legally divorced from their wives (and of course, one with a criminal history).  Or the one who said his wife was the one who cheated and they didn’t have the money to live in separate homes.  I would like to note for the record, your honor, that this information was unknown to me prior to accepting an invitation to meet for dinner.  Obviously had the previously stated information been shared there would have been no need to shower or even…shave my legs!

But perhaps, my all time favorite, goes to “grill guy.”  Occupation: Worked in a recording studio or so he said…  Grill guy learns that I am a social worker for CPS.  Following our first date, I realize that I would rather poke my eye out with a fork than see him again.  The next morning, I receive a text message that reads, “Your boy needs $1500.  I designed a gold grill that’s ready at the jeweler but I only got half the money.  You think I could get a loan?”  To which I promptly respond, “Even if I had the money I would not loan it to you for a grill.”  To which I read, “You work for Social Security, I know you got it!”  To which I reply, “Is that where I work?  Sorry, grill guy, you’re gonna have to find another ATM!  The bank of Kelli is closed!” 

Despite all of this craziness, I am realizing one very important thing.  Yes, every once in awhile, there is a desire for the simplicity of a good hamburger; it’s easy to find and it satisfies a quick craving.  But the fact of the matter is, at the end of the day, the savory steak is always going to grab my attention and has a flavor that lasts a lifetime.  So while I wait for my steak to marinate to his potential, I am growing rather fond of my nights filled with fuzzy slippers, personal growth (’cause learning about myself hasn’t been all that bad) and the occasional dance with Ben & Jerry’s; knowing that somewhere out there is a steak searching for his perfect seasoning.

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Renee Garcia
    Mar 05, 2008 @ 04:37:26

    Now I’m hungry! LOL Praying you find your steak soon… come visit me…. maybe he’s waiting for you here in Army land! 😉

    Reply

  2. Mom Rickard
    Mar 05, 2008 @ 06:23:22

    Hi Kelli,
    Your Dad and I are reading this and dying laughing as we recall the events of your interesting life.
    Dad says you should write a book. It would be a best seller! Keep the faith that someday your Prince will come. We love you!

    Reply

  3. lorilynnnavarro
    Mar 05, 2008 @ 20:02:41

    Oh my. You had me crying I was laughing so hard. I think my personal favorite is “Salad Guy”. I seriously want to just do that to somebody as a practical joke one day!

    I “tagged” you on my blog today…so get to work!

    Reply

  4. Mandy Jafari
    Mar 08, 2008 @ 03:50:54

    Hi Kelli. I am so happy to be able to hear about your life via this blog! Thank you so much for sharing. I miss you. Hope we can get in touch whenever I come to town.

    Reply

  5. Jenn
    Feb 03, 2010 @ 16:51:34

    Kelli! Why am I just now getting word that you have a blog??? LOL! So I’ve gotten this far and would like to point out something. You’re blogs are like a good book on a lazy Saturday, curled up in a blanket on the couch with some hot coco. You should write a book! Maybe “The Memoirs of Kelli”. These blogs just hit the right spot. Much love Kel, continue your great work!

    Reply

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