Since moving to Las Vegas, I had yet to find a new dentist, so today was that day.  I was already feeling a bit off my game as I rolled up to the address which was in a not-so-nice neighborhood with graffiti tagged on the building and wondered if this was any indication of the service I was about to receive.  So, when they called my name, I attempted to make myself comfortable in that oh so wonderfully plastic covered chair. As the dental assistant began the process of x-raying my teeth, she asked me to open wide and proceeded to stuff a very uncomfortable piece into my mouth. When I was unable to bite down without experiencing pain, she impatiently told me to open wider. That’s when it all went downhill. You know the feeling ladies…when the tears reach the brim of your eyes and threaten to spill over. It always happens at the most inopportune moment, like when something makes you angry at work and you do everything not to cry in front of your boss, or you’re having a “discussion” with your significant other and despite your best efforts not to cry this time, you always do??…yep, it was just like that. I tried to focus on the lakefront scene painted on the wall in front of me, I tried to think about the day ahead, I tried everything to stop the impending doom, but there they fell. Slowly at first, and then they fell as if running towards their only chance at freedom. The assistant had no idea what to do and asked if I needed a minute to collect myself.

She left me there to deal with my sorrow, and right then and right there, I grieved another layer of the life that once was. I sat in that chair, nearly hyperventilating, and I kept thinking, “This is not my team. They would know what I’ve been through! They wouldn’t have to ask if that hurt! They would have known!!!” And then that thought morphed into a deeper reality…”That really did happen! I really did have Cancer, and I really did fight for my life, and there was so much pain, and I lost my hair, and my neck and face and mouth still hurt, and that makes me sad, and I still have to tell myself to swallow each and every bite in just that certain way so I won’t choke, and…and…and!”

It amazes me that three years have passed since my last Radiation treatment. I still have two more years to go before they give me the “In Remission” stamp of approval. While the effects of the treatment will linger with my physical body for the rest of my life, I’m so thankful that the emotional reminders are rarely present. Today, however; they were there, and they demanded my attention. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t just let it go. I was forced to face the sadness and another little piece of the pain that still remains deep inside, but as difficult as those moments can be, I’m thankful for them. They remind me of where I have been and how far God has brought me. They remind me that tears are only an indication that I’m still here, I have survived and every additional day I’m given is a huge blessing. Tonight, as I reflect on my day, I know that today was just one of them days, and tomorrow is a brand new one.

Last year brought with it some of the most amazing moments of my life, and with those moments the beautiful realization that despite my greatest efforts to sabotage my own happiness during many points in my past, there is a God who loves me so much more than I even deserve, and even in my darkest times, He smiled upon me and carried me through the sludge. That same God knows me better than I have ever attempted to know myself and despite all of the wrong turns I’ve made, He still chooses to bless little ole me! I’m so thankful for a God who showers grace and mercy upon us everyday and for the chance to start fresh every morning. I’m so thankful that He never leaves us in the darkness if we continue to reach out to Him and ask Him to show us the light. I’m so thankful that in the midst of it all, He brought me an incredible mate to weather life’s beautiful ups and downs together! I’m so thankful for all of the friends I have had the privilege of making over the years, and for the ones who have continued to be by my side, no matter the distance that separates us! I’m so thankful for the unconditional love of my family and for the pure chaotic and hysterical fun we have when we are all present in one place! I’m thankful for my health, no matter how altered it has become, and I’m thankful for every day that I get to wake up and be thankful.

Friday before the election, my husband and I went to our local polling place and stood in a long line of people in order to cast an early vote. Who we voted for is not the content of this blog nor is that information important. What I will say is that we came to our decision after a lengthy process which included a great deal of researching both candidates, prayer and much conversation. While I am not arrogant to believe everyone should have voted in my foot steps because I voted for the “right candidate,” I do believe I made the best choice for my particular situation and my particular set of beliefs, and I voted for the candidate who I believed was right for me.

While in line waiting to vote, I conversed with my husband about how different things would be if there were armed soldiers present or if we were in a country where there really is no freedom to vote as a person believes. I began to think about how those men and women who died for my right to vote and for my freedom to speak my mind would have felt about the way we as Americans have treated one another during this election time. Would they peruse our Facebook status updates and smile at the love being shown regardless of the person’s political viewpoint, or would they shake their heads in shame and wonder if the way we have treated one another was really worth the sacrific of their lives?

I personally have been so disappointed and sometimes even offended at the way people have chosen to use their freedom of speech. We have been throwing around the words “those dumb Republicans” or “Stupid Democrats” in such a flippant manner as if those terms aren’t connected to anyone we know. But the reality is, the person you sit next to at work everyday or the neighbor you smile and wave at in the morning, your best friend from childhood or the sweet couple you chat with on your way out of church…could actually fit into one of those categories. The cruel words have been endless and yet we just assume that now the election is over we can go back to business as usual and all just get along…one big, happy dysfunctional family.

I have been so disheartened over the behavior of my “Facebook Friends,” and I was hopeful that once the election was over we could begin to resume life as normal, but now, days later I’m still reading about how people can’t believe how stupid Americans are for voting for the president again or how others are gloating about their win despite the crazy Republicans who were brave enough to vote for the man they thought was their best choice to turn the country around. So the question on my mind tonight and the question I pose to you my friends is when is it all enough? When do we shake hands and agree to disagree and move on with our individual lives? At what point do we realize that in our own burst of passion we are bringing hurt to people we care about, intentionally or otherwise? I wasn’t 100% uplifting in my own thoughts and speech while watching the debates during the campaign…I got caught up in the “us and them” mentality at times, so this blog is as much about challenging myself as it is about encouraging those around me to be different than the norm. From this point on, we have a choice in how we speak to and about one another…we have a choice to unite as one and face the future as a kind and motivated nation…we have a choice to not only exercise our right to vote as an act of our gratitude to those who died for our freedom to vote, but we owe it to those men and women to conduct ourselves in a compassionate and loving manner, so that when the world looks to us they will see a people who truly understand what their sacrifice was for. Afterall, “At Least I know I’m Free…Right?”

I remember watching a Dateline NBC episode once where children were filmed with their parents. The first part of the show was how children respond when a parent is fully engaged, and the second was how the children responded when their parent was on the telephone talking or texting. The change in behavior was drastic and immediate as they lost attention and their little faces were full of obvious frustration, irritation and disappointment. All the children wanted was for their parent to be present with them rather than shushing them away while they were on the phone. Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about harping on parents to never be on the phone when their child is awake or in the room. I’ve done it myself…my nephews will want my attention and I’ll be texting someone…they’ll bring their tiny little fingers up to my face and pull it towards them until our eyes make contact…their eyes, which are full of expectation and a need to be acknowledged are focused on making sure my attention is on them alone! Those are the moments when I need to make a decision between them or putting the other person who is on the other side of those messages on hold while I discuss the latest enemy on Star Wars or observe their next move on Angry Birds. It’s obviously impossible to be at a child’s beck and call every moment of every day, and I firmly believe there are times a child needs to be patient and learn it’s not always about them. All I’m trying to communicate is that there is a time and a place for everything.

Which brings me to my next thought. Right now, I’m in a place of rest and quiet in my life, and I’m doing my best to learn to adapt. Last week as I painted my nails for the second night in a row, my husband started chuckling and said, “You went from taking care of children to painting your nails.” I had to laugh myself as I explained, “Well, when I did the dishes last night it messed up my nails, so I had to fix them!” His comment had me thinking though about my “former life”…the one I eagerly walked away from to begin the next chapter as a married lady and current stay-at-home wife. My life before was full of deadlines, reports, hours sitting in Court for a five-minute hearing, telephone calls and emails from law enforcement, attorneys, teachers, physicians and a lot of angry parents wanting their children home yesterday. I’ve gone from talking all day everyday, to hours upon hours of silence. I’ve gone from dressing in my Sunday best in order to follow Court requirements to spending most of the day lounging in comfy, get the housework done kinda clothes. Even as I sit here writing, I actually hear the lawn mower outside and the ticking of the clock inside and once in a while, I’ll hear the sound of the jet engines as the Thunderbirds fly around the Las Vegas sky. The difference now is the clock is no longer a source of anxiety for me…it no longer taunts me with the turning of its hands. What used to be a constant reminder of how much was left to complete on my “to do list” before the close of a business day, is now a gentle excitement of when my husband will be home or how many minutes left before my latest culinary creation will be done baking. One month ago, I turned in my CPS Investigator badge for an apron and cleaning solution, went from writing forty page reports on child abuse to writing thank you notes…I went from hoping for enough time in the week to cook even one meal at home to cooking all of our meals except on “Eat out Sunday.” I went from making case plans for families to making cookies for the soldiers in my husband’s unit. I went from “let’s see how long I can make the clean clothes last before doing laundry” to making sure the laundry is caught up every day.

I went from chaos to quiet in a very short amount of time, and while most of us say we’d give anything for just a few days of rest, the truth is, when we carve out that time to rest, we end up filling it up so that we don’t feel lazy or unproductive. The reality is most of us have created our lives so that there is no TIME to be still. In the quiet of today, I am learning to fight the thoughts that sometimes tell me I’m no good “just being at home” or “I’m lazy because my husband is our sole provider right now.” I have to combat thoughts of panic that the longer I am without work the more I’ll be looked down upon in society. But the truth is, this time of rest in my life is extremely important, and I’m ENJOYING IT! Taking care of the needs of my husband is one of the most amazing things I have ever experienced. I love knowing he will be properly nourished throughout his work day, because I made him breakfast and lunch. I enjoy maintaining the house so that he can focus on the things he needs to get done during the day. I love creating an environment where he’s excited to come home and it is a refuge from the stressors of the outside world!

I am learning to embrace this new life I have, because I know all too well how life can change in just one moment, in one phone call from the doctor…in one treatment of radiation, and I’m determined to live each day to the fullest, no matter what that day holds. I’m determined to wake the dead, discontent part of me that is always looking ahead to the next stage of life…the one who thinks about what my next job will be or about how life will be when I become a mother, or the part that looks around our two-bedroom apartment and wonders what our house will be like once we move. I’m determined that today will be about the lessons and experiences vital to right now and not tomorrow. I’m determined to enjoy every moment of quiet as that time will one day come to an end. Our pastor ended the sermon with a point that really touched me. “A better life is when you are WHERE you are SUPPOSED to be…fully present and fully alive!” Stop living in the guilt and shame of the past and don’t worry about the future! What a challenge for all of us!

The next few days were filled with unpacking, decorating and settling in as man and wife. Those first few days showed me a few things…one, I have an incredibly gorgeous husband who goes out of his way on a daily basis to show me through actions how much he adores me, and two, no matter how much you prepare for marriage, there are just some things you can’t learn until you live together. For example, he likes the dish drain in the sink, I like it on top of the counter…he likes the covers tucked in, I have to have the sheets free…he prefers an electric toothbrush, I’m oldschool and like to brush on my own…he folds his shirts one way, I fold mine the right way…just kidding babe!!! I also am developing an even greater appreciation for my husband, because despite those minor differences in preference, we have come to an agreement that those things are not cause for war and chaos in our home, and it’s just about compromising a little to make room for both of our personalities and behavioral patterns. We decided when he does the dishes, the drain will be placed inside the sink, and when I do them I will simply move it back to the counter. When it’s time for bed, I merely untuck my side of the bed and let him do his own thing. It also took him a total of thirty seconds to teach me how he likes his shirts folded, so now everyone has appropriately folded laundry! While I know marriage isn’t just about the little things, sometimes it is those little things that build up to cause the major blowouts that lead to a miserable home. We’re both trying to be intentional about communicating while the little is still just that. We’re also attending a marriage class at church to continue building our arsenal of tools to deal with the roadblocks that will eventually come, and we’re purposefully growing a support system with other like-minded couples who desire to have a healthy Christ-centered marriage.

Many people have asked me how married life is treating me, and to that I respond, “So Far, So Good!”

Once I reached civilization, took a quick restroom break and was back in the car accompanied by my ice-cold Venti sized beverage, I popped in an upbeat CD and switched the AC to freezing cold in an effort to keep myself awake. I got back on the 99 Freeway that was laden with construction and once again headed north. That’s when it happened…my cell rang and my heart skipped a beat as I read the screen and recognized the identity of the caller…

Philip. My man. My boo baby. The love of my life. The man I will confidently walk towards in ten days and declare in front of 250 of our closest family and friends that I will choose to honor and cherish him for the rest of my days. The man who compliments me in a way I never thought possible. The man who knows the REAL me and loves me just the same. The man who in just seven months has shown me the true meaning of companionship, protection and pure love. The man who calls when he says he will, the man who keeps me laughing at myself so I don’t take me too seriously but holds himself to an extremely high level of integrity. The man who looked at my physical and emotional scars and through his actions demonstrated his willingness and ability to not only accept them but he found them to be part of what he says makes me beautiful.

The man who when faced with the possibility that my cancer had returned, called my parents after only two months of us dating and asked if he could propose to me sooner than originally planned so that I would not doubt his promise to be in this for the long haul…no matter what. The man who when we learned the biopsy was clear of cancer went ahead with his plan and got down on his knee, ring in hand in front of a packed church congregation on Easter Sunday, pledged his love and commitment to me and asked me to be his wife. The man who tells me the ravioli wasn’t “that bad” even when it was a pile of mush and something even I could barely stomach. The man who listens quietly while I cry and the man who jumps to my rescue when someone has done something to make his “boo” upset. The man who grabs for my hand no matter where we are or who we’re with, the man who shows my picture to the random clerk at the check out counter because he is so proud to claim me. The man who puts on a brave face for me even when I know he’s had a tough day too. The Man…My Man…He is the Lord’s greatest gift to me and the man to whom I cannot wait to say I DO and I WILL and I PROMISE…At the age of 33, after waiting for “my steak” I am finally going to the chapel, and at the end of that chapel aisle will be the most handsome man of my dreams!

1.  Chai Tea = Blessed Goodness in my mouth!   The biggest thing I have experienced this year in regards to my journey with Cancer is that no matter how much I had hoped for it, my mouth has reached a plateau on healing, and I am now dealing with the long term effects of the Radiation Therapy, including a lack of saliva and taste.   As was documented in my last blog, I chose to combat the physical side effects with a physical reminder of my journey through a permanent tattoo. (As a side note, I still love it, have no regrets, and it has actually opened the door to share my story of God’s love and hope in my life with many others!) With that lack of taste becomes a fun and exciting game of what is Kelli going to like today!? Thus led me to my new addiction of Chai Tea. Unfortunately or fortunately for me (however you prefer to look at it), there is a Starbucks Coffee Chain located directly across the street from work, and unfortunately or once again fortunately, however, you choose to look at it, I have learned that no matter what my taste buds are doing on any given day, Chai Tea appears to be the ONE item, beverage or otherwise, that remains the constant in my life. And so on workdays, I have indulged myself in a “Grande Nonfat Chai Tea Latte”…to the chagrin of my pocketbook, but the utter delight of my t-buds! My New Years Resolution was going to be to cut my Grande down to a Tall size and work on five days a week to no more than two, but my sister-in-law, Emily, bless her beautiful heart, graced my Christmas gift with a lovely liquid-filled box, a box that just so happens to be the dollar amount of one Grande drink at Starbucks but will last me through an entire week for half the calories! So this year in 2012, I resolve to make my own Tazo ORGANIC Chai Tea from home! Cheers to Emily!

2.  My mother taught me from an early age that the majority of friendships are only here for a season and there will be very few that remain for a lifetime. This year I learned when someone intentionally leaves your life, no matter what the reason, God has someone waiting in the wings to fill that empty space. During my illness, I watched several close friends walk away and to be honest, they never returned.  As I have shared previously, there have been up and down moments trying to mend those hurts but with each passing day, the questions become a little less and the wound closes a little more.  When I returned to work in March 2011, I started in a new department with co-workers I knew only from brief encounters through my other position. Who knew the treasure that was waiting for me? They welcomed me openly and have become the family that keeps me going in the tough times and brings me joy in the most mundane moments! Our work is crazy and chaotic and extremely fast-paced, but we always find the time to take a quick break in the day where we roll our chairs out from inside our cubicles and have a debrief in the middle of the aisle to check in on one another and share some laughs. Then there are the days where we all throw up our hands and say, “I’m done, I’ve gotta get outta here!” and we venture outside into the sun and breathe in the fresh air while mingling with the outside world. As cliche as it might sound, they have truly become the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and I’m so blessed and thankful to call them my friends!

2.   Remember the old adage, “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar?” Well, this year, I have learned, “You reach more lives with grace than judgment.” In my former position with Child Protective Services, I held onto cases long term and worked with the families as long as the case was open, sometimes years at a time. My new position only allows me one interview with the parents and in that two hour period of time, I have to build enough of a rapport to find out what was going on in the home in order to figure out how to help them rebuild their family. Before, I found myself getting caught up in the anger and chaos of my cases, and to be honest, I’m not really sure how much good I did for some of the families I worked with. Since going through my own life altering experience, I have returned to work with a new perspective and a new belief that we ALL have the ability to change, sometimes we just need one person to look at us with fresh eyes, an open heart and a patience to introduce us to the things we may not have noticed or had any knowledge of before. The greatest blessing for me has been to watch the difference in how the parents respond to me and the process, but in the end, I am seeing my own life and the relationships in my personal life transform as I realize this is exactly how God views me and how He wants me to interact with others! Before, I would get caught up in the guilt of my mistakes and would feel hopeless, believing that change would never come. Now, I recognize that I WILL mess up, it’s just a matter of WHEN and HOW, but I serve a God who loves me unconditionally and desires to change me from the inside out…a God who when I ask for forgiveness is ready and willing to offer me a new perspective and a pair of fresh eyes, a clean slate. And it’s the same for those around me…we all have our shortcomings and we are all works in progress, but the greatest gift I can give to my neighbor, my family, my boss or the crazy driver on the freeway is the gift of forgiveness and grace, because without a doubt there will be a time or two when I exert my own selfish desires and will need to ask for that same courtesy back!  

4. There were several moments this past year, when I became so involved in the burdens and heartaches of others that I drove even myself crazy! In my desire to protect those closest to me from getting hurt or from making a mistake, I realized I was trying to control their lives. It wasn’t until my roommate, a truly wise and gracious woman, reminded me that I have to trust that she is listening to God too, and I have to let go of my protection over her (and others I love) that I started to snap out of it! I had to take a long hard look at my relationships, and I had to do some repair and ask forgiveness from those I had hurt. The bottom line of that lesson is that I wasn’t trusting God enough to do His job, and I thought I could do it better. But isn’t that always the way of it? Somehow, we doubt the God who single-handedly caused the entire earth to spin and float, the God who has ordained every breath that I take, and we believe we know how to do it better than Him? How painful and eye opening to see the audacity with which I approach a God who is responsible for my very existence! Thus, in 2011 and I’m sure again in 2012…and if I’m being honest, probably until my last breath, I will have to remind myself and learn it again and again that I am only in charge of me and my actions, and the rest I have to leave up to God! 

For me, a year and a half out of cancer treatment, I am left with the daily physical reminders of the grueling Radiation I went through in order to beat the odds. Everyday, when my mouth becomes dry due to the lack of saliva, or I can’t find anything to eat that tastes halfway decent because of my altered taste buds or when I’m still consciously aware of every single swallow I take, praying it goes down the right way, I’m reminded of the journey behind me. Most days I think I do a pretty good job of realizing it’s just going to be part of who I am for the rest of my life, but other times, I’m overcome with frustration and sadness that this is my forever reality. That’s when I came up with the idea of combating the negative physical reminders with something that is a positive reminder of how far the Lord has brought me through my life and what a blessing He gave me by giving me another day, faulty taste buds and all. I began to draft a picture of what I would like to see everyday that will encourage me to keep going and continue a path of thanks to God for those blessings.

I’m learning that most are not aware of the fact that there is a different color ribbon for every type of cancer out there. While pink is the most well-known cancer ribbon as it symbolizes Breast Cancer, mine is red and white in honor of Oral Cancer, one of the fastest and most “up and coming” cancers around these days. So, I paid tribute to myself as a survivor, not because I personally did it, but because there is a God who gave me the strength to get through every moment of my fight. During my year battle, I quickly identified with the words, “Live, Laugh, Love” as my motto to live by. It is my sincere belief that without an abundance of laughter and love, one is not truly living or experiencing the meaning behind life. To laugh with abandon and to love without boundaries…that is a beautiful existence indeed. And finally, I chose purple tulips, inspired by a very special person in my life. My amazing friend, closer than a brother for sixteen years, Mark. While I was in the hospital during the time the doctor removed the tumor, I was sent to recover in TCU, an area the hospital would not allow flowers. Mark called my mom several times during my stay, hoping to have flowers sent to my room. They finally decided to wait until I arrived back home and the day I returned, there was a beautiful bouquet of purple tulips waiting for me. Mark has been a very special part of my life since high school and we have walked together during many difficult moments. We have forged a friendship that is rare these days and I am so thankful for the love and support he showed me during my sickness. In my tattoo, one of the tulips is blooming, which signifies the trials God has already brought me through to date…the ups and downs, the disappointments, the illnesses and heartbreaks, the joys and the accomplishments, the beautiful milestones of thirty-two years. The other tulip has yet to bloom and is an illustration of the life and path I have yet to live.

For me, I am able now to look down and see beauty and a constant reminder of a God who loves me in such a way that He made a choice, a no turning back choice, a til death do us part choice…He chose to forever alter his body by dying on the cross for me and for you in an attempt to illustrate His love for us all.

In the midst of all the happiness and fun, there was an underlying sense of straight up gratitude that I was even here to experience it all. Last year for my birthday, my brother took me to radiation and then we went back home where I slept and then quietly enjoyed the chaotic sounds of my nephews playing and laughing and fighting and whining and just being kids! I ate one last birthday meal and one last amazing birthday dessert (I can still smell and taste that fantastic blueberry pie my sister-in-law is so famous for!)

This year, there was no sadness of what could be, no thoughts of fear for the future…there was merely joy! I received the best card from my sister this year! “I don’t know what we’ll be like when we’re little old ladies…” That was enough for me…I lost it right then and there…and her message finished the job! “Love the thought of us being old together and looking back at our LONG lives!”

I don’t know what the future holds, I don’t know much about anything, but I do know, how sweet to hear that special little tune, “Happy Birthday To You!” And thank you to all who have wished and prayed and hoped for more years to come!

The hard part is when it comes to trying to fake ourselves out…trying to convince ourselves that everything’s gonna be fine when deep down it feels just the opposite. I’ve been in this mode of self-assurance for the past couple of weeks now. I get myself out of bed, put on my “big girl” dress up clothes, smooth out the hair, add the perfect accessories and walk out the door for work…all the while, giving myself the pep talk. “You can do this, you’re fine, you have no reason to be feeling this way, everything is going to be okay.”

I’m not unhappy, in fact, I enjoy my life immensely. I have a peaceful house to come home to, a roommate who is zero drama, a job I actually really like and am passionate about, a group of friends and a family who love and support me and an outlook on the daily grind that allows me to appreciate the way the sun bursts through the clouds just so, or the way the air smells slightly of cut grass on a windy day…add all of that up and you’ve got yourself one lucky, okay, one abundantly blessed girl! But somewhere in the midst of all that blessing, deep down in the crevices of the contentment and gratitude, there lies a sense of fear…a sense of inexplicable dread…a sense of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Last Thursday I was talking with my supervisor about one of my cases when I rested my hand against my chin. My skin felt unusually warm for the cold temperatures inside the building, and as I ran my fingertips down my neck, along my scar, I could feel that it was extra swollen. Since surgery and the radiation, I have what’s called Lymphedema (basically, the fluid builds up in that area and it presents as swollen or puffy)…apparently it’s totally normal, so I don’t usually think anything of it, but that day, it felt different. I went to the bathroom and noticed that my skin was bright red where merely an hour before it was fine. So I pretty much panicked. I just knew it was really back this time, so within ten minutes I had an appointment scheduled with the doctor.

The thing I’m learning about life post-Cancer is that no matter what the ailment, the final recommendation from my primary doctor will go a little like this…”Got a bruised finger? If it doesn’t go away in a week, you should come back. It might be Cancer” or “Your back hurts? If the pain worsens, you should get a scan cause it could be Cancer” or Thursday it was, “Weird red skin infection I can’t identify or diagnose? Take this medication and if it’s not gone by Monday…call your Oncologist. It could be Cancer.” I’ve decided that this is not the most comforting comment to receive when already on edge about this particular issue. I’m genuinely thinking about writing a booklet entitled “What not to say to your patient when he or she is already freaked out about a Cancer reoccurrence.” I think it’s pretty catchy!

Needless to say, I booked an appointment for the next day with my Oncologist just to be sure. He looked at me a bit strange when I told him what my primary doctor said, but assured me that there is no Cancer that presents with a red infection on the outside of the body. He then told me in not so many words to “go a little easy on your primary doc. They don’t really have any idea about Cancer so they’re always going to want to rule out the most serious condition first.” In other words…if they scare you with Cancer when it’s really a hang nail, give them a break…afterall, they’re just “practicing medicine.” And of course I couldn’t just leave the office visit on an up note, so I asked him, “So doc, while I’m here…do you think my swallowing is going to get any better?” (I have been known to choke quite frequently on pea-sized foods as they attempt to go down the pipe, and naturally I was curious as to when I could expect some improvement on that issue.) In his typical, unemotional fashion, he looked at me and said, “Probably not.”

Cue the crashing thunder and the bolts of lightning! Definitely not my favorite answer, nor one that I wish to accept. I cannot imagine that this is it for me, that this is where the story ends. I cannot let myself believe that it will always be like this, and that no matter what I do, it will take me an hour to eat half of a sandwich or that I will always have to carefully visualize each little bite as it goes down the canal, cheering on its journey until it’s safely through the danger zone. I refuse to see this as a forever side effect, but the reality of it is that this is my reality…for today anyway. Yes it’s true, God can fix this, He is bigger than a tiny little Esophagus, but for right this minute, the possibility that this will never go away feels like the enormity of the Grand Canyon. And right this minute I don’t exactly feel like faking it…faking that I’m okay with this…faking that I wouldn’t give just about anything to taste, to chew and to swallow like any other person out there…faking that I don’t wish for my whole self back…faking, faking, faking.

But I know, even as I write this, that everything will look better in the morning, what feels overwhelming right now will be alright with a good night’s sleep and that I’ll get myself out of bed and do it all over again tomorrow. And one day, I’ll wake up and realize there wasn’t any need for faking…one day I’ll look back on all of this and realize I made it. Today is not that day. Tomorrow may not be it either. But until then…